I am the smartest man alive!

Should I really be expected to understand the emotion?  Am I going to be judged on this?  When I get to the pearly gates will I be cast down to the depths of hell because I just can't sympathize with the constant emotional outbusts of my 6 year old daughter.  Are people supposed to cry when they can't pass a level on Super Mario Brothers?  Is it normal to cry for 5 minutes in the car because you really have to go to the bathroom and can't hold it, and then get home and decide you don't really have to go anymore?  Should tears be shed because the piece of paper you were just working with fell on the floor?  My wife of course is much better at this and much more sympathetic, but I just can't do it.  I try, I honestly do, but I don't think I'll ever understand it.  My 3 year old son on the other hand.  Kicks, scream, bites, hits, yells.  I have no problem with these things. 

Do you really have to be late all the time?  I realize that you don't care if you're late, but I do.  If we're supposed to be somewhere in Seattle at 7:00, that doesn't mean we leave at 6:50.  I realize you think it only takes 10 minutes to get to Seattle.  But think about it for just 2 seconds, would you?  It takes 10 minutes if there's no traffic, but there always is.  Even if we did get there in 10 minutes, we still have to find parking.  Then we have to pay for parking.  Then we have to walk 10 blocks because there wasn't any close parking.  Therefore, it takes at least 30 minutes to get to Seattle.  Which means you shouldn't run errands all day and get home at 6:30.  Are you hearing this?  Does this make any sense to you at all?  No, no, I didn't think so.  Well, just thought I'd let you know how I felt, even though we've already had this discussion 1000 times and you never seem to get it.  Oh well. 

People are always saying that putting egg shells down the disposal will ruin it.  They will chop into tiny pieces and clog up the motor.  Well guess what?  I don't believe it.  I think it's total BS.  You mean to tell me that a millimeter thick, incredibly fragile egg shell is going to clog up the motor?  I put watermelon rinds down the disposal and it doesn't clog the motor.  I could probably put my old shoe in there and it might be ok.  I don't know where the egg shell thing came from, but it's all a big lie. 

Well, I just found out that I have to get Knee surgery on my right knee.  I have a torn miniscus or torn cartlilage.  Didn't do anything to it.  No injury.  It's not like I ever do anything that would put any strain on it, other than chasing one of the kids up the stairs for beating time.  I must deduce then that it was caused simply by the fact that I will be 30 years old in a week and my body is falling apart.  I'm deteriorating.  I'm delapidated.  I'm a fat, old, lazy man with a wife and three kids.  What happened to my 20's?  Why am I too lazy to exersize?  Why do Kit Kat Bites taste so good?  It's all a conspiracy. 

I hate these stupid things, but this one had a couple of good questions, so here are my answers . . .

I went to a wedding last weekend.  Had to go to Bainbridge Island, which for you non-Seattleites that basically means either a really long drive around the water or taking an hour long Ferry ride.  Why did I have to go to this wedding?  Because my wife’s cousin, (who isn’t really her cousin, just the son of a guy her grandparents unofficially adopted when he was younger so now they are considered part of the family but really aren’t) was getting married.  Do I know this guy?  Nope.  I met him once at another function I didn’t really want to go to.  Seemed like a nice enough guy.  Do I know the bride?  Nope.  Did I know any of the other 50 thousand people that were there?  Nope.  So why did I have to go?  My friend says it’s because I didn’t do enough research before I got married.  Not meaning anything bad about my wife of course, but maybe he’s right?  Should I have requested a checklist of stupid family functions I would be required to attend before saying “I do”?  Maybe so.  Too late now.   

So, other than the fact that I generally don’t like going to events where I don’t know anybody, have to fake smile for 3 hours straight and am required to pretend I really care about what people are telling me during our small talk session, here are a couple of my big problems with most weddings. 

 What’s the deal with The Line?  I mean seriously.  Who thought it up, and why do people insist on keeping up the tradition.  If a tradition is stupid, stop doing it.  Just because everybody else does it doesn’t mean you have to.  The bride and groom, their parents and sometimes the maid(s) of honor and the best man/men stand up there like a bunch of goons waiting for every single person to come up to them and say congratulations.  First of all, the only person I know is the groom.  That’s it.  I don’t know the bride, or the brides family, or her friends, or the grooms friends.  So what makes them think I want to stand in line for an hour and a half to make small talk with these people I don’t know and don’t care to know, just so I can get to the groom and say congratulations to him.  And if I really know him well, and want to offer him a heartfelt congratulations of some kind, do you really think I’m going to do it with 400 people watching?  No way.

 “Hello, I’m Jonathan.  What’s you’re name?”

 “I’m Jenny” 

“And what relation are you to the wedding party?” 

“Oh, I’m Stacy’s friend from high school” 

“Oh, how nice.  It’s nice to meet you.”

 Repeat 17 times.  Like I care. 

 And what about signing the registry.  (My wife and I actually got into a little argument over this while we were in line to sign the registry.  Which by the way I refused to sign.  I think she signed for both of us.)  So we all stand in line to sign our names in this book that’s filled with a bunch of blank paper and probably cost $60 bucks but is  only worth $2.  Do you think anyone can actually read my signature?  Can I read my signature?  Don’t think so.  So why am I signing?  Tradition.  Does anybody who gets married and has a registry ever go back and look at all the signatures?  Of course not.  Why would you?  My wife says it’s so you can see who was at your wedding.  Who cares?  Are you really going to wonder 40 years from now who was at your wedding?  Stupid tradition . . . stop doing it. 

If the tech where you work gives you a brand new flat panel monitor to replace the twenty year old 600 pound mammoth of a monitor you currently use, please don’t say thank you.  We’re very black and white kind of people.  If you say thank you or acknowledge in any way that you appreciate the work we do, it just confuses us.  It requires an emotional response which we just don’t understand. 

However, this does not mean the opportunity to speak with your tech should be wasted.  Use it as a time to bitch about all the other new things you want.  Well, actually, I’m sure they’re not wants.  They’re needs, right? 

 “When am I going to get a scanner?  I have to scan things at least twice a year and I always have to walk over to Jim’s desk and use his.  I need one that scans poster size paper.  And it needs to have an automatic document feeder so I don’t have to keep loading stuff into it.  And if it doesn’t scan at least 400 pages a minute I’m going to be pissed. 

What about a new digital camera?  The new one you bought me last month sucks.  It only takes about 1000 pictures before I have to change the memory stick.  I’m taking it with me on my family vacation to Africa and I don’t want to have to change the stick all the time.  What am I supposed to do?  Just tell the wildebeest to wait while I change my stick?

And don’t even get me started on this computer.  I know it’s brand new and is the best thing on the market, but I just can’t use it.  It’s too fast.  It confuses me.  Plus, I don’t like the color.  Can’t you get me something in a light pink?  That was my wedding color.  I’ll bring in a swatch from one of the dresses and you can try to match it. 

Anyway, this whole setup stinks.”

 
”How do you like your new monitor?”

 “Too small.  Too light.  Too flat.  Too clear”

 “Do you want this other one back?”

 “No, I hate that one too.  Why don’t we go to the store and wander around for a couple of hours until I find one I like?  You don’t have anything else to do, right?”

Ok, that’s it.  From now on, I’m just going to make stuff up.  You obviously don’t believe the real answer, so I’m not going to fight it anymore.  I’ll just give you the answer you want to hear.  You win. 

 Old way

 Steve: Hey, I just got this message that says something like, “This program has performed an illegal operation and must be closed.”  What does that mean?  What should I do?

Mr. Bitter IT:  Oh, that’s probably not a big deal. Just a problem with your memory.  Reboot your computer and it will probably work fine.  If not, give me a call and we’ll look at some other things.

Steve:  Ok, thanks. 

Steve (talking to his friend Joe):  Dude, our IT guy sucks.  Every time I call him about some problem he just says, “Reboot your computer.”  I mean, it usually works, but how stupid is that?!  Man, I should be an IT guy.  All you have to do is walk around all day and tell people to reboot their computers.  That’s all they do and they get paid like $300 grand a year.  What a joke. 

Joe:  Yeah, tell me about it.  Our IT guy does the same thing.  It’s ridiculous. 

 New way

 Steve: Hey, I just got this message that says something like, “This program has performed an illegal operation and must be closed.”  What does that mean?  What should I do?

Mr Bitter IT:  Wow, does it really say that?!!

Steve:  Yeah, how come?

Mr Bitter IT:  I just read about this on MSNBC last night.  Apparently that’s a brand new problem with the Microsoft Operating System.  It happens when the Gigaflop converter gets out of sync with the Complimentary Metal Oxide Semiconductor battery.  They’re not even sure what causes it yet.  What they’ve figured out so far is that it usually only happens during a full moon and at high tide.  It all started after NASA landed on Mars, so they think something that happened while they were up there may have caused it.  Microsoft and NASA are working in a joint venture project trying to solve it.  They haven’t decided if it would be cheaper and easier to stop exploration of Mars, or try to fix the glitch with Windows.  Anyway, they said in the mean time, if you just reboot your computer it will probably go away. 

Steve:  Dude, no way!  That is crazy!  I can’t believe it happened to my computer!

Mr Bitter IT:  Yeah, me neither.  That’s cool.  I’m going to call my buddy who works at Microsoft and see if maybe they want to use your computer in their testing lab.  I’ll call you back if they do.  Thanks for calling me about this.

Steve:  Yeah, no problem.  This is awesome!

Steve (talking to his friend Joe):  Dude, check it out.  I had this thing happen on my computer today that’s caused by Martians or something. 

Joe:  Seriously?  That is awesome!

Steve:  Yeah, totally.  Our IT guy Rocks!  He knows everything!

Joe:  Really?  Our guy sucks.  He just tells us to reboot all the time. 

If you already think you know everything, why the hell are you calling me?  The assumption would be that you don’t know how to do something, so you call me to see if maybe I do, right?  So, why then, when I tell you what your problem is do you tell me that I’m wrong and you know what’s going on.  For example: 

 User:  My e-mail isn’t working anymore.

Tech:  What seems to be the problem?

User:  When I open Outlook it doesn’t pull up any of my new e-mail.

Tech:  Are you connected to the Internet or to our network?

User:  No, but I’ve never had to do that before.

Tech:  Well . . . I’m sorry to tell you this, but that’s impossible.  You can’t get your e-mail if you don’t have some kind of connection.

User:  Well I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’ve been doing it this way for months.  It just started happening like this the other day.  This computer sucks.  I need a new one.

 Are you kidding me?  First of all, are you really that stupid that you think you can get something off the Internet if you’re not connected to it?  And let me reiterate again.  If you already think you know what you’re doing, why the hell are you calling me?  If you ask me something, accept my answer.  You’re the idiot, not me.  I do this for a living.  I know it’s hard for you, but please use your brain for at least 10 seconds and think this through. 

I really don’t want to talk to you about how cool your stupid computer is.  I work on computers all day, and don’t really care that you just bought a new Geforce video card or setup a wireless network all by yourself.  Would you walk up to an accountant and say, “Dude, I did my taxes last week.  Pretty cool huh?”  Or talk to a clothing designer and say, “Hey, check it out.  I got dressed all by myself today”.  They don’t want to hear about it, and neither do I.  If you have an intelligent question, I’m all ears.  If you want to ask me how my day was, or what I do for a living that’s fine.  But don’t assume that just because I’m an IT guy that I just can’t wait to talk to you about how your brother just got this new awesome system.  All it does is put me in a bad spot. 

Mr Bitter IT Guy thinking to himself:  Should I tell this guy he’s a complete moron and has no idea what he’s talking about, or should I just let him keep blubbering about how he and his buddy spent all last weekend building their own computer from scratch. 

I don’t care.  I’ve done that a million times.  It’s not cool to me.  You ride the short bus to computer class.  Next time why don’t you just tell the bus driver to drop you off at the nearest Kinder Care so you can talk about computers with someone on your own level. 

Good reasons to call a computer technician

1. If you have really bad posture so your back is hurting.  All Network Administrator have to take a course in chair adjustment.  We’re all experts at it.  Plus, if you have bad posture and always slouch in your chair, adjusting it or getting a new chair will always fix the problem.
2. If you’re an idiot and have no idea what you’re doing.  Actually, you wouldn’t think that you would call a computer tech for this but you definitely should.  There is a right and wrong way to go about it however.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t just call up and ask for help or advice.  That never works.  Call and tell them that your brand new $3000 dollar laptop sucks and they should buy you a new one.  That will almost always fix the problem. 
3. If the owner of the company you work for implements something that in some small way affects your computer and you don’t like it.  For example, if the owner decides he wants a background image to be on all company computers.  You should definitely call the computer tech.  Actually, this works best if at least half of the people in the company call him and bitch about it.  You should try and coordinate your efforts so you all do it within about a two day period.  Make sure to mention that it’s intrusive, and the image is ugly, and that you’ve spent about 3 hours trying to figure out how to change it back instead of doing your job.  I mean, after all, it is your computer right?  It’s not like the company bought it or anything. 
4. If you’re in Europe and you’re trying to send 300 pictures to someone in your home office via e-mail.  It is important on this one that you make sure you take the pictures at the highest resolution possible, especially if you don’t really need detailed pictures.  That will make sure they are really big for absolutely no reason.  Then when you connect, be sure that you’re staying in a hotel that was built in the 14th century and has really antiquated phone lines.  You should call the computer tech and scream at him because it’s taking too long to transfer the files and your system keeps freezing.  Tell them it’s ridiculous that they can’t be sent instantaneously and that it’s impossible to do their job.  If the computer tech tries to explain to you why you’re having the problem, just cut him off and say you don’t understand and don’t want to know. Also, as with most other problems, make sure you ask for a new computer because that always fixes the problem. 
5. If you have a virus on your computer.  This is another one where you might think you wouldn’t need to call a tech.  The key here is to not tell the tech there is a virus.  Tell them about all the problems you’re having with your system but be sure to be vague.  Don’t give any specific error messages as this will just confuse the tech.  Only after he has spent a minimum of one hour trying to resolve the problem you should you say something like, “Oh, I forgot to mention something.  I’ve had this little box popping up for a while saying something about my machine being infected.  Could that be part of the problem?”.  This is definitely the best way to go about it, and the most time effective for both you and the tech.
6. If you’ve forgotten how to think for yourself.  Whenever anything unexpected happens to any electronic device, immediately call the tech.  Using logical thought processes’ is very damaging to your brain.  It could cause headaches, hot and cold spells, and in severe cases cranial hemorrhaging.  Since techs are used to this kind of stress being put on their brain, it’s best to just call them the instant you think you might have to think for yourself.  Here is a sample of an actual phone call that could be considered a perfect time to call a tech.  

User: The printer’s broken

Tech:  What’s wrong with it?

User:  I don’t know.  It’s not printing.

Tech:  Are there any error messages on the screen?

User:  No, the printer is turned off.

Tech:  Maybe you should turn it back on and try to print again.

User:  Oh.