Let me just give all you ladies a little peek into the deep chasm of nothingness that is the male psyche. It is a cold dark place, filled only with thoughts that have some sort of actual purpose or meaning. You will find no space wasted with thoughts of shoes, hair styles, or whether or not someone you said "Hi" to at a party last week is thinking of you.
However, if you look hard, there are many thoughts buried deep that only show themselves on rare occasions. They stay hidden 99% of the time, either because releasing them will piss off every woman who hears them, or releasing them would be in violation of the guy code and letting women past the iron curtain. On rare occasions however, one of us feels the need to educate. This is one of those occasions.
Think about all the lies you have perpetrated your entire life about what you find attractive about men.
"I don't care what he looks like. I just want him to make me laugh".
"I want a romantic guy".
"I would love it if a guy sent me flowers".
They're all lies and you know it. That guy never gets anywhere with you. If for some reason the stars align and this guy actually gets to spend time with you, he will be labeled as boring immediately and tossed aside with the rest of the useless rabble.
I will now dispel a similar lie we men have been spreading for some time now. Listen carefully, because you are about to get a rare peek behind the iron curtain.
Men don't like women who fart.
In other words, we do not like it if you know more about football than us. We do not like it if you can drink more than us. We do not want you to hang out with us during poker night and belch louder than us. You should have no more than a basic knowledge of cars and motorcycles. I know we've been telling you we’re attracted to this for a few years now, but it's a lie.
We want you to be soft. We want you to be nice. You should like the color pink. You should hate getting grease or any other disgusting substances on your soft, manicured hands.
Just like you want us to be manly, a little hard, slightly cocky. So, stop pretending you want a nice guy, because you don't. And stop trying to be a man. That's why we have poker night, so we can fart all we want and not get in trouble. Do you really think I want to hear you let out a loud belch after shot gunning a Budweiser? Do you really think you're gonna get anywhere with me in the bedroom later after witnessing that? Believe me . . . it's not gonna happen.
So, take my advice. Stop pretending you’re a man, and starting acting like a woman.
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