Do you really have to be late all the time?  I realize that you don't care if you're late, but I do.  If we're supposed to be somewhere in Seattle at 7:00, that doesn't mean we leave at 6:50.  I realize you think it only takes 10 minutes to get to Seattle.  But think about it for just 2 seconds, would you?  It takes 10 minutes if there's no traffic, but there always is.  Even if we did get there in 10 minutes, we still have to find parking.  Then we have to pay for parking.  Then we have to walk 10 blocks because there wasn't any close parking.  Therefore, it takes at least 30 minutes to get to Seattle.  Which means you shouldn't run errands all day and get home at 6:30.  Are you hearing this?  Does this make any sense to you at all?  No, no, I didn't think so.  Well, just thought I'd let you know how I felt, even though we've already had this discussion 1000 times and you never seem to get it.  Oh well. 

People are always saying that putting egg shells down the disposal will ruin it.  They will chop into tiny pieces and clog up the motor.  Well guess what?  I don't believe it.  I think it's total BS.  You mean to tell me that a millimeter thick, incredibly fragile egg shell is going to clog up the motor?  I put watermelon rinds down the disposal and it doesn't clog the motor.  I could probably put my old shoe in there and it might be ok.  I don't know where the egg shell thing came from, but it's all a big lie. 

I went to a wedding last weekend.  Had to go to Bainbridge Island, which for you non-Seattleites that basically means either a really long drive around the water or taking an hour long Ferry ride.  Why did I have to go to this wedding?  Because my wife’s cousin, (who isn’t really her cousin, just the son of a guy her grandparents unofficially adopted when he was younger so now they are considered part of the family but really aren’t) was getting married.  Do I know this guy?  Nope.  I met him once at another function I didn’t really want to go to.  Seemed like a nice enough guy.  Do I know the bride?  Nope.  Did I know any of the other 50 thousand people that were there?  Nope.  So why did I have to go?  My friend says it’s because I didn’t do enough research before I got married.  Not meaning anything bad about my wife of course, but maybe he’s right?  Should I have requested a checklist of stupid family functions I would be required to attend before saying “I do”?  Maybe so.  Too late now.   

So, other than the fact that I generally don’t like going to events where I don’t know anybody, have to fake smile for 3 hours straight and am required to pretend I really care about what people are telling me during our small talk session, here are a couple of my big problems with most weddings. 

 What’s the deal with The Line?  I mean seriously.  Who thought it up, and why do people insist on keeping up the tradition.  If a tradition is stupid, stop doing it.  Just because everybody else does it doesn’t mean you have to.  The bride and groom, their parents and sometimes the maid(s) of honor and the best man/men stand up there like a bunch of goons waiting for every single person to come up to them and say congratulations.  First of all, the only person I know is the groom.  That’s it.  I don’t know the bride, or the brides family, or her friends, or the grooms friends.  So what makes them think I want to stand in line for an hour and a half to make small talk with these people I don’t know and don’t care to know, just so I can get to the groom and say congratulations to him.  And if I really know him well, and want to offer him a heartfelt congratulations of some kind, do you really think I’m going to do it with 400 people watching?  No way.

 “Hello, I’m Jonathan.  What’s you’re name?”

 “I’m Jenny” 

“And what relation are you to the wedding party?” 

“Oh, I’m Stacy’s friend from high school” 

“Oh, how nice.  It’s nice to meet you.”

 Repeat 17 times.  Like I care. 

 And what about signing the registry.  (My wife and I actually got into a little argument over this while we were in line to sign the registry.  Which by the way I refused to sign.  I think she signed for both of us.)  So we all stand in line to sign our names in this book that’s filled with a bunch of blank paper and probably cost $60 bucks but is  only worth $2.  Do you think anyone can actually read my signature?  Can I read my signature?  Don’t think so.  So why am I signing?  Tradition.  Does anybody who gets married and has a registry ever go back and look at all the signatures?  Of course not.  Why would you?  My wife says it’s so you can see who was at your wedding.  Who cares?  Are you really going to wonder 40 years from now who was at your wedding?  Stupid tradition . . . stop doing it.